Kitten Heels

Do you ever see those weird people on buses or trains that are smiling into space or out of the window? Well I was one of those people today. The weirdest thing? I don’t even know why I was smiling.

I had no reason whatsoever to be smiling – it was the middle of rush hour, I was squashed and standing on a packed and sweaty number 8 somewhere around Cheapside and I’d just had a row with the Bloke Indoors, but for some reason I was grinning like a Cheshire cat at anyone walking faster than the crawling bus. And I couldn’t have cared less.

Well at the time anyway, now I feel like a right prat.

I’ve been thinking over possible reasons for my overly grinningness. It may have been the sweating businessman next to me who was humming along to his iPod while practically doing a pole dance for everyone on the lower deck. Or perhaps it was the granny sitting three rows back giving a disapproving look to the canoodling couple sitting opposite her? Nah. More likely it was the guy who was sitting in those weird side on seats directly in front of me that are so low that every time he lent down to get something out of his bag his nose brushed the fly of my jeans! Seriously, just a little bit closer and a nice short skirt and a little bit of sneaky on-the-bus oral would have been quite easy.

I swear I tried to move out of his way but I couldn’t there just wasn’t space. I do wonder why he had to keep checking the same notebook over and over again, I didn’t see the point, even with the nose brushing.

The thing is though, I have to wonder is why it so strange to see someone smiling? Londoners are so bloody miserable it’s unbelievable. We see someone smiling in the street and we assume they’re nutters, fair enough if they’re yabbering into their hand which they’re holding to their ear like a mobile at the same time then maybe they aren’t quite right in the old braincase, but what’s wrong with a little bit of teeth baring?

I like smiling as I walk along but I get funny looks from people and that just isn’t nice! No. It’s not nice at all. Londoners are supposed to be accepting; yet people get moaned at for being overly affectionate in public and now for just smiling, it just isn’t right and I’m thoroughly fed up!

I like smiling and I like kissing and cuddling. And you know what? I like doing a lot, lot more than that too! I like to play with myself and (shhh don’t tell anyone but..) I like to have sex with men too! But I can’t do all of these while sitting on the bus or walking down the street.

Three out of five isn’t bad though right?

OK rant finished. Maybe they were right to stare at me today….